Captain's duty
by Haloa
Summary: Captain Kirk has to sacrifice himself for his crew...again! serie of one-shots.
1. Chapter 1

_**Sometimes a Starship Captain has to sacrifice his life or his love to save his crew...**_

"Okay, I can't, no, I can't do this!"

"Captain, we have no other option!"

"But …Doing this?"

"Jim! She is dying!"

"And YOU are the doctor, not me!"

"I know …But I can do nothing to treat her…she has stopped eating…She is suffering from depression!"

"No, never! I'm sorry but I refuse…"

"Captain, you have just to tell her that you …"

"Mr. Spock! I CAN'T do this! Do you understand?"

"James Tiberius Kirk! YOU are the only one who can make her eat again! Lt Sulu says that she will die soon, he is really worried…You have no other choice than tell her you like…no, you LOVE her!"

"But ….She's a flower! A stupid carnivorous plant!"

"Well…In fact she is a sentient plant with emotions …"

"And it's you, my Vulcan friend, who say this? Am I the only one sane on this ship?"

"Keep calm, Captain …Jim."

"Okay …Okay …I give up. *sigh*…Ouch! Bones! Don't push me! I said I will go!"

"Come on Jim! The Botanic laboratory is in the opposite direction!"

"I know…I know…I surrender."

_**And sometimes a starship captain has to just sacrifice his pride…**_

"Thank you Captain! I'm so happy that you came …*sob*… to save my poor Gertrude!"

"Well…*sigh*…If I can help you, Lt Sulu…"

"Come Captain, she is here!"

"Yes. Yes …I follow you."

_**And two minutes later…**_

"Well…Gertrude…You are the most beautiful flower in this universe and …ahem…I like your purple petals and… this noise you make when you seem to laugh…Well…I love you!"

"HiiiHiiii …*smack* …*smack*…Hiiii…*mwah*"

"It works! It works! Oh thank you, Captain!"

"This is crazy, Jim! Ahahaha…You have a true gift to attract females of any species…Ladykiller!"

"Bones! Shut up!*sigh*"

_**Yes, sometimes…A Starship Captain has to sacrifice himself…**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Sometimes, a Starship Captain has to use his charm to save his crew or to complete a task successfully!**_

**One day in McCoy's office.**

"Hi Bones! You wanted to see me?"

"Um…Yes, Captain…Jim…Please! Sit down."

"There is a problem?"

"Yes, Jim."

"Oh…Someone is ill? …Is it me?"

"Well…No, Jim. You're perfectly healthy, like everyone aboard this ship…Jim, it is your mother…"

"My mum? … Where is she? In which hospital? Bones! Tell me!"

"No…No…Jim. Your mother is fine! She called me this morning…Well…You know, she is really happy to be a grandmother…And she really likes diversity…But…"

"Huh? Bones! Why do you tell me all of this? Explain yourself!"

"Well…Jim…Um…You know, the big lie about sailors is that they have a girl in every port…Well…For you, it's not a big lie…It's a big problem… The first time a woman has claimed that she was pregnant with your child, your mother was really happy. Then, another woman and another again…Jim …Do you remember Elaan?"

"Elaan…from Elas?"

"Yes, Jim…"

"Elaan…which is now the spouse of the leader of Troyius?"

"Yes, Jim! This Elaan! How many Elaan did you meet in your life? …*sigh*…Stop to count! …Please…*sigh*…Well, since our last encounter, she has given birth to a beautiful and strong baby boy…Humanoid kind…Pink skin…No green skin…"

"No green skin?"

"No, Jim…So, Like I already said, your mother is a really happy grandmother, she likes all her grandchildren scattered in the Galaxy…She told me again this morning that when they are all together, you know, this is like a rainbow around her… purple hair, pink skin or blue skin, with or without antennas…But ENOUGH is ENOUGH, Jim!"

"But…I did not know that I had all these kids! I swear!"

"Jim! Shut up and sit down! Well…Ahem…In brief, your mother and I have decided that you must have a vasectomy!"

"Whaaaat? Nooo! …oh no!"

"Jim! Come back here ! Jim ! …Shit! ...*sigh*…Too late!"

"A problem, Doctor McCoy?"

"Oh Spock...I didn't see you coming…Sorry but …Well, Jim ran away before I tell him that it was just an April Fool!"

"Oh…It's unfortunate that he ran away…I had calculated the alimony…"

"Well…Spock…We have until midnight to tell him it is a joke!"

_**Yes, sometimes, a Starship Captain has to use his charm…But be careful …There are consequences!**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Captain's duty III**

_**Somewhere, on a faraway planet.**_

"Spock! How could you remain so calm? We are in this cell since …"

"Two hours, twenty-six minutes and nineteen seconds…"

"Spock! Did you forget that Jim has been taken away! Help me to find a way to escape! Are you not worried about what they will do with our friend?"

"Well, Doctor…In fact, I'm not!"

"Huh?...How could you be so emotionless! Is he not your friend?"

"I didn't say that Jim is not my friend, Doctor. I said that I'm not worried about his safety."

"Explain yourself!"

"Doctor, where are we?"

"Uh …We are in jail!"

"You're right, Doctor…But on which planet?"

"Spock…You scare me! Are you suffering from amnesia or something else?"

"Please, Doctor. Answer me!"

"Well…I think that the planet is called … uh…Amazing VI or Amazong IX …I forgot!"

"Doctor…We are on Amazoon IV…"

"Amazoon IV …And …Is it a good thing?"

"Yes, Doctor McCoy …It is a good thing. *sigh*. And why is it a good thing?"

"Sorry, Spock…I'm lost…Are you sure that you're not going crazy? …Forget the question…Please, enlighten me!"

"Listen, Doctor. Try to follow my reasoning! The inhabitants of this planet are also called Amazons…"

"Like the legendary Amazons women warriors?"

"Yes, Doctor. And as in the legend, women rule this world …and men!"

"…But …How can it be reassuring to know that Jim is now with their leader…Oh …I see! Their leader is a pretty woman! Spock! This is wonderful!"

"I can't assure you that the woman is pretty …"

"Spock! With Jim's luck, she is pretty! And in this case, we surely will be at home before lunch!"

"Well, I have estimated that it has taken him eight minutes to seduce her, then thirty-four minutes to …You know…and then he has succeeded to escape after that the lady fell asleep …"

"Spock, should he not be already there if your calculation is correct?"

"Doctor…he has to find the cell in which we are prisoners …So I have calculated that he will arrive in 4,3,2,1 …"

"Bones? Spock? It's Jim …Are you fine?"

"Wow! Spock! You are really amazing!"

"An Amazon? Where is she?"

"No, Jim …*sigh* …I said SPOCK is AMAZING!"

"Oh …hey guys! …I have found the key of your cell...Come on!"

"Sure, Jim ...You have found the key …You find always the right key for the right lock, do you?"

"Huh?"

"…Forget what I said…*sigh*…Ladykiller."


	4. Chapter 4

**The gamble.**

"Hi Captain! This is always a pleasure to see your smiling face in Sickbay but why are you here? Are you ill?"

"Nope! I come in order to greet a friend and to discuss something with him."

"Oh …This seems to be a serious matter. So, what is this?"

"Well…Bones, I'm tired of your insinuations about me and women. I don't kiss all women whose I cross paths, you know. And since I'm going on a mission on Pegasus VII and you won't be with us, I want to bet with you. I bet 500 credits that I manage this diplomatic mission without seducing one woman! Spock is going with me so he can be our witness!"

"Um…Well, Spock is Vulcan. He is unable to lie… I agree."

"Ok."

**Two days later, in McCoy's office.**

"Thank you for the 500 credits, Bones! …Well, gentlemen, I have a job to do so I leave you here my friends!"

"Yeah, yeah, you succeeded this time. Go away!"

"Spock. You testified that no woman fell in Jim's arms during the last two days …You're sure of this!"

"Yes. Absolutely."

"Well…*sigh*…It's surprising but he did it!"

"Doctor McCoy. May I ask you why you find this fact so surprising while obviously it was not unexpected?"

"Uh, Spock, what do you mean by _obviously not unexpected_?"

"Doctor…*sigh*. Did you read the preliminary report about Pegasus VII and its inhabitants?"

"Uh, no time. It appears that someone has accidentally erased this mail from my computer…"

"Well…I think that you should have read it closely on another computer, like in the briefing room, for example…"

"Because …"

"Because you should have learned that there is no woman on Pegasus VII …"

"What? No woman?"

"None…Since that the last woman has died one hundred and twenty-eight years ago…"

"But, this is nonsense, Spock! How did they manage to reproduce?"

"In fact, births on Pegasus are numerous. But…Men only use the cloning and artificial incubators."

"Cloning …and Jim knew it! …He has CHEATED! Jiiiiiim! Come back here!"

**One hour later, on the bridge.**

"Oh. Good evening Mr Spock."

"Good evening Mr Scott."

"Uh…Commander. May I ask you one question?"

"Yes, Chief-engineer?"

"Do you know why Dr McCoy is chasing the Captain in all the ship with a whole host of hyposprays? Don't you think we should intervene?"

"And take the risk of being the Doctor's new target?"

"Yeah …Definitely not a good idea!"

_**The end.**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Captain's duty IV**

**RULE n° 1**

**The Enterprise revolved around Eneerie, a planet newly discovered by the Federation. For its inhabitants, to join the Federation was not for granted but actually the negotiations went fine. Then …Captain Kirk and his First Officer arrived.**

**The ship was short of dilithium crystals and since Eneerie was in fact a great open pit of dilithium, this was correct to assume that this planet was a logical destination. This was actually written in Spock's report, word for word, among other things!**

**Mr. Scott was impatiently waiting for his Captain and Mr. Spock in the transporter room. They got down two hours ago and already they have requested to be beamed up aboard the ship!**

**Doctor McCoy was so surprised that he ran to the same room, his tricorder in hand!**

"**Where are they? What happened, Scotty?"**

"**Relax Doctor! Their message did not say that they encountered some problems! …But I am also surprised that they called so soon… I have understood that they have been invited in the anthill by the King and his Queen…Anthill is the good term, right?" Scotty asked.**

"**Well, I suppose. Spock said that the inhabitants of this planet are like giant bipedal ants!"**

"**Um …I am glad to be stayed aboard the ship! I hate ants!" Scotty added.**

**Two minutes later, Spock and Jim Kirk appeared on the transporter pads. Spock's face was as usual unreadable but McCoy could sense by his posture that he was furious! Beside him, Jim Kirk was like a five years old child who made a stupid thing.**

"**Captain Kirk! Spock! Did you succeed to buy some dilithium crystal at a good price? I hope that you did because without a new crystal we can't leave this orbit, you know! This was already a miracle to arrive so far… " Scotty said.**

"**Uh…"**

"**Captain Kirk?"**

"**Well…Ask to Mr. Spock, Scotty!" Kirk said. His face was red like a tomato.**

"**Mr. Scott, I have got our crystal of dilithium."**

"**Good…But you bought only one crystal, Sir?"**

"**In fact, Mr. Scott, King Eely gave us the crystal in exchange of one promise: to NEVER return on the ground of Eneerie! Thank our Captain!" Spock explained to the chief-engineer while looking at Jim.**

"**Oh Spock, I already told you that I was sorry…"**

"**What?" McCoy shouted, "Jim! You ruined the negotiation with the King? What happened? Spock?"**

"**Well. I explain." Spock began. "…After our arrival, we have been escorted by two guards of the colony in the throne room. Captain Kirk and I were welcomed by King Eely and Queen Eela…And Jim made the mistake of offering his thanks to Queen Eela by calling her **_**'King Eely'**_**. In fact, he has confounded the two."**

"**This is understandably, the two names are similar!" Scotty intervened.**

"**Yes. But …Like I have explained precisely in my report, part II, paragraph 3b, distinguish the King and his Queen was easy. First of all, the male ant is black and the female is red! " **

"**Uh…There was a paragraph 3?" Jim frowned.**

"**Captain Kirk, there was a paragraph 3 and 4 and 5 …" Spock said trying to contain his anger.**

"**Ok…Jim forgot this information, this is not dramatic…"McCoy said, trying to excuse his friend.**

"**Please, Doctor McCoy, let me finish! As Queen Eela explained to Jim his mistake, our Captain and friend turned toward me and said loudly…"**

_Flashback…_

"Mr. Spock, I have understood that males of this species were fatter than their females…"Jim said to his First officer, only a few inches of distance from the Queen who had approximately the same size than her husband.

"WHAT? Did he say that I am FAT?!" Queen Eela shouted then quickly added: "Do you know, human, how many larvae I had in the last year! I have given birth to six hundred larvae in one day! And do you know how many diets I have followed since that day in order to lose that weight?"

"Please, my Queen, keep your calm …I am sure The Captain did not want to insult you, Darling!"

"I am NOT FAT! Okay? …GUARDS! TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!"

"Queen Eela! I am so sorry…I did not want to…" Kirk began to say but the two guards threatened him with a sword.

"OUT!" Queen Eela shouted again.

_Back in present…_

"**Then, we returned at our coordinates of our arrival, accompanied by the guards and the King himself! King Eely ordered us to go away as far as possible from his planet and his wife. I had to remind him that without a minimum of energy, the ship couldn't leave its orbit. So King Eely gave us this small crystal of dilithium in exchange of the promise to never return! …But I reassure you, this prohibition is only addressed to the Captain Kirk and the negotiations with other ships of the Federation can continue…" Spock finished with a sigh of relief but two brown eyes were turned toward his captain. **

"**Jim! Let that be a lesson to you: always read Spock's report before a mission!" Doctor McCoy said as a sermon.**

"**Okay, Bones. Spock I am sorry …I promise to read all paragraphs of your report the next time."**

"**Well…Doctor McCoy. There is a second lesson to keep in mind : Rule n°1 : Never say to a female that she is fat, whatever the species!" Scotty added with a smile.**

**And three months later …**

**The Enterprise was in orbit around the space station 18. Spock, as other members of the alpha crew, was presently on holiday. When he heard that a concert of classical music will be played on the station, he decided to invite the Lieutenant Uhura for accompany him. As he walked in the corridor to join Nyota in her quarters, he encountered Jim and Scotty who were on their way to join Bones in Sick bay for a game of poker!**

"**Wow, Spock! You are nice in this smoking! So …Tonight you have a date with Lt Uhura, right?" Jim said to his Vulcan friend who frowned while hearing the word 'date'."**

"**Jim, I have only invited Nyota because I know she could be interested by this concert…I am a musician and she is a good singer, so it was logical to …" Spock explained.**

"**Yes, logical…of course." Scotty added.**

**Two minutes later, the three men were at Uhura's door. Spock pushed the buzzer and waited. **

**Nyota opened the door and looked at Spock and his friends.**

"**Wow Miss Uhura, you're beautiful!" The chief-engineer said.**

"**I agree with Scotty! This black silky dress fits you perfectly …well, all in black you shine as a myriad of stars!" Jim said with his charming smile.**

"**Indeed, Lieutenant Uhura. This dress gives you a nice silhouette as it is known that black color slims…" Spock said.**

"**WHAT?! …Mister Spock! Did you say that I am FAT?!..."Nyota shouted, ready to explode like an erupting volcano!**

"**In fact, I only said that …"Spock tried to explain.**

"**I AM NOT FAT!"**

**While Jim was lying on the ground, laughing, Scotty ran to the first wall intercom he found.**

"**Mr. Scott to the Doctor McCoy…Uh …I think you should come here! … Mr. Spock has broken the rule number one!"**

_The end._


	6. Chapter 6

**The captain is the only one responsible…**

**Somewhere, on a distant planet…Captain Kirk, Spock and McCoy are exploring an outpost of the Federation which has been recently attacked by Klingons.**

"So, Bones?" Jim says.

"So …what?" The doctor asks, turned toward a body on the ground.

"Is he …dead?"

"No Jim, he is alive…"

"Uh …Really?"

"OF COURSE, JIM, HE IS DEAD!" McCoy cries. "He was hit in the head by a phaser! Look at this wall! His brain exploded and was ejected like a slice of bread in a toaster! Is it necessary to ask that stupid question, Jim? …No but you asked and I answered_: he's dead, Jim_ …Do you know how many times I said these four words, Jim?"

"Relax , Bones!"

"RELAX? Jim, I am a DOCTOR and I am SICK of this! Oh God, all I want is to prove that I can save a life! Just one life!" Bones cries, both his hands turned toward the green sky of the planet.

"Hum…Captain Kirk, I suggest to return aboard the Enterprise…I think the doctor needs a psychological help…Quickly!" Spock says.

**Two hours later that day, in Captain Kirk's office…**

"So …What is your diagnosis, Doctor Heinig?"

"Well …Captain…You have a problem… As the psychologist of this ship, my diagnosis is that your chief-surgeon is suffering from depression. You know, all his life turns around his job…and…well…these last months, all he did was to practice autopsies…"

"I know, I know…But is it my fault if we arrived too late each time we received a message of distress?"

"Well…I prescribe some antidepressants to the Doctor McCoy and a few psychotherapy sessions to lower his stress…"

"So …He is on sick leave?" Jim asks.

"Yes, Captain. I recommend that Dr M'Benga becomes your CMO for the time of his recovery. "

"Uh…Ok, if you think so…"

**One month later…**

"Captain Kirk to the engine room! Mr. Scott! I do not want to arrive too late this time! We need to increase our speed!"

"No, no, no! Captain! STOP! I have already given you the maximum speed! Moreover, if we continue at that speed the engines will explode, Captain! I can't let you do that to my babies!" Scotty cries, all his body shaking.

**And two hours later, in Captain Kirk's office…again.**

"So…Dr Heinig?"

"Well…You have another problem, Captain. Your chief-engineer is also suffering from depression…I recommend that he follows the same psychotherapy sessions than your previous CMO…"

"Uh …Ok, if you think so…"

**One month later, on the bridge.**

"Lieutenant Uhura!" Kirk shouts. "Are you saying that you pick up a distress message AGAIN?"

"Cap...Captain…I'm so sorry …" Nyota Uhura says, sobbing.

**And later that day…**

"I know, I know, Dr Heinig …She is suffering from depression!" Jim sighs.

"Yes, Captain…I'm sorry but you have to find another Communications Officer…"

"Ok…If you think so…"

**Two months later…In Dr Heinig's office.**

"Well…Ladies and gentlemen! Congratulations! You have made great progress by finding the source of your stress!" Dr Heinig says at the crew reunited in front of him.

"Yes, Dr Heinig! These therapy sessions help us a lot…" Sulu says, while stroking the 'head' of Gertrude, his favorite carnivorous plant.

"That's great to know we all agree…" Chekov adds, his face pale and his hands shaking.

"…But now…We have to tell Jim that he is responsible for our problem…" Dr McCoy says…"It would be easier for him to accept that truth if a friend tells him. Right, Spock?"

"…"

"Spock?" Bones asks, touching gently Spock's shoulder.

"Sorry, Doctor McCoy, but Mr. Spock is still in the trance he entered after his burn-out! "Dr Heinig says.

"Poor Mr. Spock!" Miss Uhura says.

**The end.**


End file.
